Well, you know how people say, “my train of thought is”…Well, I don’t have a train of thought! I deal with a whole dang train station!!!
Thoughts coming and going, switching tracks, derailing, and even stalling. Oh, and believe you me, it’s a hot mess at times!!!
While getting dressed this morning, my thoughts were steered in the direction of my “short comings”.
Thoughts like:
I’m not enough…
I’m too much…
I can’t…
I should have…
Why me…
If I could just…
I smeared make-up into the crevices of my face. Then glued on eyelashes and drew on eye brows. I finally figure out where my cheek bones were and applied my blush. All while thoughts of my “short comings” kept racing through my mind.
When I finished applying my game face, I walked over to the bathroom window to look up the mountain side.
Even though it’s officially Spring here in Tennessee, the weather is very labile…Sunny one day then cold and windy the next. These poor plants are so confused!!! Once they start to trust that it is warm enough to release their foliage and blooms another cool front hits. Their tender foliage and blooms freeze and fall to the ground. Then, about the time they almost give up, here comes the sun and they try again.
When they finally emerge what a GLORIOUS sight!!!
God can teach us some pretty incredible lessons though nature. That is if we will just take time to observe our surroundings and listen to the Master’s voice.
Life has been challenging for me both physically and emotionally since July of last year. Today I observed the plants on the mountain thriving despite the adversity. And, I heard the Master’s voice whisper to me…”KEEP TRYING…Don’t give up…KEEP TRYING!!! I’ve Got You!!!”
Then, I heard…” You can do all things through Christ who strengthens You”. I have quoted Philippians 4:13 for most of my life but today…Today I internalized it because He spoke it over me!!!
I share my morning because I know I’m not the only one who struggles. Friend, when He says I can do all things through Christ, I know He will give you that same strength too!!!
Are you familiar with the phrase “Let Them”? I learned about the “Let Them” theory a little over a year ago. And the timing was perfect for where I was and what I was going through in life! As the oldest child, I grew up believing it was my responsibility to “fix” everything and everyone. The “Let Them” theory has definitely been freeing for me. This theory helped me realize circumstances are what they are and people are going to be who they are.
So…”LET THEM”
We all have our own unique journey. Each of us have the God given right to choose how we want to navigate that journey. I decided it was not my responsibility to try to fix the journey of others. In doing so would cause me to miss out on the journey God gifted me. If my focus is on controlling the narrative, I’m not focused on Living a Joyful Life.
Implementing the “Let Them” theory has made a huge impact on my personal peace and the peace of our home. Was it hard…ABSOLUTELY!!! Below is a Facebook post by my friend Luanne Salinas. Her post does a great job of identifying exactly what I thought before implementing the theory. It also explains how the “Let Them” theory gives closure.
Do I still love the individual(s)? YES
Do I still pray for the individual(s)? YES
But,From A Distance!
Here’s Louanne’s Post:
“Are you familiar with the “Let Them” theory? I’ll tell you friends the more I grow the more I am okay with accepting the “Let Them” in my own life and relationships.
This is something that took me a very long time to learn. I used to tolerate a lot because I didn’t want to lose people. But I learned the hard way if they were really my people they would never treat me like that. Don’t make the mistake of being so understanding and forgiving that you overlook the fact that you’re being repeatedly disrespected.
Let them be upset.
Let them judge you.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them gossip about you,
Let them ignore you.
Let them be “right.”
Let them doubt you.
Let them not like you.
Let them not speak to you.
Let them run your name in the ground.
Let them make you out to be the villain.
Whatever it is that people want to say about you, let them!
Kindly step aside and LET THEM.
The hard truth is they know how much they are hurting you. And they just simply don’t care. They did it knowing it could cause them to lose you. And they did it anyway. People that love you care about how they make you feel. The end. Let them go.
There will be people that would rather lose you than be honest about what they’ve done to you. Let them go.
The lack of respect was the closure. The lack of apology was the closure. The lack of care was the closure. The lack of acountability was the closure. The lack of honestly was the closure. Let them go.
Make the decision to no longer sit at tables where you might be the topic when you get up. Let them go.
You can still be kind. You can even still love them deeply. But do it from the distance they created in their words and actions. Access to you is a privilege they have proven they can’t be trusted with. Let them go.
You don’t need to tell your side of the story. God already knows. Let God fight the battle for you. Let them go.
It’s taken me a long time to get here. Sleepless nights, countless tears, managing a range of emotions filled with anger, disappointment, confusion and deep hurt. Lots of self reflection, self preservation, deep prayer and seeking wisdom from those much wiser than me.
If you are struggling with this please know you are not alone. We will never understand why hurt people hurt people. But we can do the hard work to grow ourselves. Because healed people do in fact heal people.
Don’t you dare let them steal your joy.
Don’t you dare let them steal your light.
Don’t you dare let them steal your peace.
You are in control of that.
Hold tight to what you can control and release your grip on what you can’t control.
Let them go.”
Louanne, thank you for your post. I pray that by sharing it, someone will be moved to just
You know, it’s so easy to say, “I want to be joyful” but what exactly does that mean?
I remember speaking on the topic of “Joy” at a women’s retreat. One of the sessions was titled “Joy in the Journey”. Now, anyone who knows me is aware it’s not the journey that does it for me…
It’s THE RESULTS!!!
I am definitely a results oriented person. I find great pleasure in immediate gratification. The journey is equivalent to waiting and waiting is not one of my strong suits! With that said, I was given the word “Joyful” for 2025. I definitely better figure this out before the year is up…My days are fleeting! Heck 2024 came and went before I realized it!
So with that said, I guess a good place to start is with the definition of Joyful.
JOYFUL:experiencing pleasure, satisfaction, or delight
Hmmm…based on that definition, I would say I’m pretty joyful. Well, most of the time. Uh, well, I guess it would depend on the circumstances. Heck, who knows…some days it’s like a roller coaster. One minute I’m up and experiencing pleasure, feel satisfied or am delighted. the next, I’m serious, hyper focused, or distracted. I’m pretty sure my word for 2025 should have been “Complex”!!! Oh wait, where’s the growth in that…I’m already “Complex”. I’m pretty sure God wants me to focus on being JOYFUL and that means…I GOT WORK TO DO!!!
So, Welcome to My Journey to Discovering Joyful Living!
Now, hear me…I am not saying I am not joyful. I do have episodes of joyfulness just not consistently. I’m also not saying you don’t have a joyful life but what I am saying is… we all go through seasons. So, if you are going though a dry season please join me on my journey.
Come on…Let’s get started!
Now this is where I get stuck! Only on the 1st paragraph of the “journey” and I’ve already hit a major pothole. It’s at this point I could go in so many different directions!!!
So, usually when I’m looking for answers I go to Google and search for scriptures. Yep, while I take into account what other people say, I want to know what God’s word says. So, like a good soldier I typed in “Scriptures on Joyful”. Several verses came up. Many had the word joy but one particular scripture had the word “Joyful” and really resonated with me. It’s probably because I was recently diagnosed with Spondylosis.
Proverbs 17:22 “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” .
Wow…Spondylosis is a chronic condition that refers to the gradual wearing down of the spine’s cartilage and bones. A supple and strong bone is much more difficult to wear down or break. Yep, over the course of my life, my spirit has been crushed.
I know I’m not the only one! Gosh look at those effected by Hurricane Helene or the wildfires in California. Bless their hearts, those people literally lost everything!!! So, please hear me, in no way am I making light of their pain and suffering. But, we too are on a journey and our pain and heaviness is very real as well. Things like…
Loss of a child, spouse, parent, grandparent, friend: Gosh, I’ve experienced the loss of each and the pain never leaves. I will say, that over time, the wound is no longer as fresh. None the less, the loss does leave scars for life.
Catastrophic losses like storms, earthquakes, hurricanes, floods and fires: I can say, I’ve had my fair share of hurricanes and flooding. I’ve been effected by 2 floods in my life. Both were hard but the flood when I was 12 years old was the worst. I lost my sense of security and safe place. It was the structure not people that made me feel secure growing up. I guess that’s why home is so important to me even today.
Loss of relationships: It’s painful loosing a relationship with a loved one or a friend. Sometimes the loss isn’t always a falling out but instead a drifting away. Either way, there is a loss or disconnect and it can weigh you down. Now, I would like to say that sometimes this isn’t a bad thing. It just may be God’s protection on your life or emotional well-being.
Hurt Feelings: Oh my, I could go on forever on this one!!! I am here to tell you, my feelings have been hurt more times than I can count. For me the hurt is typically caused by setting my expectations too high. Or, because I make it all about me. Or, I just don’t consider the source and where they’ve been or what they’ve been through. And, then sometimes…People are just mean!!! Emotions are a bugger!!!
This list could go on for days but I think I’m unstuck. I finally know the direction I need to go!
I need to remember those things that bring me pleasure, what gives me satisfaction and who or what delights me. Then for 2025, I need to expand my list!!!
So, here’s my current list of things which lend to my joyful life:
Excursions with Richard
Taking a drive
Having lunch
Running errands
Stopping in at a winery
Time with Family
Time Alone with God
Relaxing at Home
Baking
Working in our Yard
Working in the Garden
Sitting out by the fire pit
Coffee on the porches
Walks on the property
Driving around the property in the side by side
Painting furniture and decor
Floral design
Writing
Yes, I know that is a pretty long list. Just so you know, I could go on and on but for the sake of time…I’ll stop!
I have been so incredibly blessed by reflecting on this list. In fact, my mind was completely redirected from those things that I’ve been though (both shared and not shared).
I Think I’m Having an “Ah Ha” Moment!!!
By changing my focus from trials to triumphs, my tests to testimonies, and suffering to healing it will yield a joyful life
Now for the hard part… I must remember to say “Ah Ha!!!” during my meltdown. I should also try to do this in a crisis or when dealing with that person who has hurt me.
My prayer for you is God will restore you to a joyful state and continue to pour out His Blessings on Your Life ❤
Each year I ask God to give to me a word for the year. In 2024 that word was GRATITUDE. This entire year I’ve had so much gratitude for all of the beautiful blessings gifted to us. We love living near Brandi and Robi, and having Cheyenne and David close by. We have such a peaceful home with scenic views and surrounded by nature. We’ve also had a few adventures along the way. We have been blessed with so much but it feels like the year flown by. Yet it blows our minds when we think about all we’ve done in such a short time.
We moved to Roan Mountain last December. The interior of the house was completed just in time for us to move in and get settled before Christmas. It was wonderful but to say the exterior was a hot mess was an understatement! We had a makeshift driveway and there were mounds of dirt everywhere. The yard looked like a construction dump sight. Then to make matters worse there were natural springs running out of the mountain creating a muddy mess. So, in January the focus was for the contractors to construct the retaining wall.
Meanwhile, we were trying to get acclimated to the ICE & SNOW!!!
As for my Mom…She Absolutely Loves Watching it Snow!!!
In February the Work on the Retaining Wall Continued
The footer was formed, concrete poured, and the blocks were laid despite the rain and active springs!
February was also a time of celebration. We got to celebrate our granddaughter, Cheyenne’s 24th Birthday in our new home.
Now That Was a Great Memory!!!
Then during March and April, the construction of the wall continued until completion. Also, Brandi and Richard started work on the garden. Oh man, what an undertaking that was!!!
Progress on The Wall
Prep Work on The Garden
Then towards the middle of April we noticed things were really greening up. It was so beautiful. But, we had a lot of cleanup to do before the crew arrived to do our dirt work.
Also during April, I started learning a lot about foraging. Cheyenne and David took us out and taught us how to forage for morel mushrooms.
OH MY…Talk About Yummy!!!
Oh, and we did a little hiking in with Brandi.
We LOVE Her Sense of Adventure!
In May, we began to hear the rumble of motorcycles heading up the mountain to Carver’s Gap. As the weather got warmer, the motorcycles got louder and yep, you guessed it!
Richard Bought a Trike!!!
May was also the month the dirt work was done. The yard was hydroseeded and a proper driveway was put in…Finally, it was time to start work on walkways and flower beds!!!
June and July was spent outdoors working in the yard and garden. It was glorious!!! We laid five pallets of flagstone. Then, created flower beds. We then set up the fire pit area. It was nice working outside while being surrounded by the splendid beauty of God’s creation!!!
June was also when our grandson Brandon, Sarah, Payton, and Skylar flew in for a visit. Family hikes and sitting out by the fire pit made for some great memories!
Then towards the end of June and into July harvest season was upon us. Not only did we have to gather the produce but also preserve it all. So, I canned, dehydrated, froze, and baked A LOT!!! It was definitely a learning curve for me and I had to be quick study…The produce was not gonna wait!!!
Then in July everything came to an immediate halt!!! Now, July thru August was not a good memory. It was a memory that made an impact on our lives nonetheless. One day after some strenuous work in the yard, I noticed my back was sore. So, I took some Aleve and applied ice. After about a week it started feeling a little better so I decided to bake some chocolate chip cookies. I pulled the cookie sheet from the oven. As I turned to put them on the island, I went down in excruciating pain. This pain was like none I had ever experienced before!!! Richard had gone to get the mail. Mom was still in bed asleep. I tried to call Richard, Brandi, and Robi…No answer! Then I remember making my way to the couch while sending a 911 text to everyone. Brandi called me back instantly and before I knew it they were all three standing in our living room. To sum it up, an ambulance took me to the trauma center in Johnson City. There, they discovered I had severe stenosis on the left at L5-S1 foramina and spinal canal. They also found a cyst on my spine. Also, my vertebra at L4 had slipped forwards over the S1 vertebra. I was referred to a neurosurgeon and scheduled for surgery a month out. During that time, the doctor’s office worked to get a pre authorization for the surgery. The procedure was going to be over $200,000.00!!!
At this point, I would like to interject that I can’t say enough good about my coverage!!! We were extremely nervous because it was not conventional coverage but a Christian Program called WeShare. They are amazing, kind, and they really care!!! At first, we were told my surgery would not be covered. Many phone calls were made. Due to the work of an amazing employee at WeShare, my final out of pocket ended up being $5,000! Folks…THAT WAS GOD!!!
Also during this time, I was told I could not lift, bend, or twist. It was impossible for me to care for my Mom. Bless her heart, she was so understanding and agreed to stay at our local nursing facility as a respite patient. Aug 22nd I had my surgery and after a couple days in the hospital, I was sent home to recuperate. I was to wear a brace for 8 weeks, no lifting, bending, or twisting.
Meantime, Mom was still in the nursing facility. She was struggling to adapt to having a room mate. The sleep wake cycles did not match hers. She was having difficulty with the food, and being away from us. So, we made the decision to bring her home two weeks after my surgery. Now let me be clear… There was no way Mom would come home but for Richard’s willingness to help with her care. Mom also has a care giver that comes in 10 hours a week…She is AMAZING and Mom loves her dearly. So, between the three of us we have worked out a routine. This has allowed Mom to be back with us. For that… I am eternally grateful!!!
Mom Says, “There’s No Place Like Home!!!“
Then just as we thought things were about back to “Normal”, Hurricane Helene hit! Now, I have lived on the Gulf Coast most all my life. I have never experienced the effects of a hurricane on the coast like we did here in Tennessee with Helene. The aftermath was and continues to be devastating for so many in this area. The Doe River runs through our daughter and son-in-law’s property. Though it’s a small river, it is a force to be reckoned with when it floods!!!
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Though we were surrounded by devastation, we realized how incredibly blessed we were…All our family and their animals were not harmed!!!
After hurricane Helene, September, October, and November were dedicated to cleanup and continued healing. At my 8 week doctor’s visit I was released from the back brace. Then on the next visit I was released to ride on the motorcycle again.
Praise God…Just in time for Fall Foliage!!!
Then in Late November We Also Got Our 1st Snow!!!
The holidays were quiet for us. Brandi and Robi spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas with family in Texas. We definitely miss them when they’re away. Nevertheless, we do get to spend a lot of quality time with our Tennessee family and grand critters year round. WE LOVE THAT!!!
Well, that’s a wrap! 2024 is coming to a close and 2025 will be here in a couple of days. I guess the old saying stands true… “TIME FLIES WHEN YOUR HAVING FUN“
WE’VE HAD A BLAST IN 2024
and
FOR THAT WE EXPRESS OUR GRATITUDE!!!
Wishing Each and Everyone a Happy, Healthy, and Prosperous New Year!
This morning as I was waiting for my cup of coffee to brew, I began my morning quiet time with an “Attitude of Gratitude”. As I looked around our kitchen, I thought to my self “I really love that arrangement” or “That picture belongs right there” and then I became flooded with the memories of where those items originated or who had given them to me. Then I began to thank God for the provisions He has given me and the people He has placed in my life.
Then, I allowed my mind to broaden and think of many of the people He placed in my life over the years. While most were amazing, not all were easy or a pleasure. I might add, some of those individuals were exhausting…They would suck the life right out of me with their:
Low Self-esteem
Under Developed Communication Skills
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Inadequate Support System
Difficulty Coping
Oh Wait…I Just Described Myself!!!
Yep, I have personally experienced every one of those things listed above at some point in my life. Oh, and believe you me…about the time I think I have things under wraps a wave hits and I find myself gasping for air.
Let me ask you something, Do you think this comes as surprise to God? Absolutely not!!! and the wall decor in my kitchen serves as my daily reminder!
He knows me…He really knows ME!!! Jesus gets me, understands me, tolerates me, and most of all He celebrates me!!!
Do I break His heart? Yes, I do on a daily basis!
Do I ask for His forgiveness? Yes, I do on a daily basis!
Does He beat me over the head with shame and condemnation? Absolutely not! In fact the scripture that assures me of this is Romans 8:1
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus“
So, why does God place people in my path that remind me of my failures, deficits, past, lack of support, and my inability to cope or resolve my own problems?
To remind me:
I am Broken
I need to support and lift others up
I need to work to do better every day
I need to continue to work on my communication skills
I need to develop empathy
And sometimes…He is teaching me I need to set boundaries.
This morning as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed I saw a quote that caught my eye. The quote caused me to think about all the questioning from others and the blatant “No’s” throughout my life. Then, all of the sudden it became abundantly clear…They didn’t under the vision God had given me!
Oh my goodness…I had no clue they just didn’t understand!!! They did not understand the vision God had given me!!!
Uh Oh…All of the sudden I felt like a failure. I felt like I had not done a good enough job of communicating the vision to people. Then, clarity came! It is my vision. It was a vision God had given to me not them so why would I ever expect them to understand.
I’ve had several experiences where my vision was not understood…
I Am To Sing
My first memory of this was when I was about 10yrs old. We were driving into town (about a 10 mile drive) and we were all singing along to a song on the radio when my dad turned around and said, “Lee, stop singing, you’re off key!”. I was devastated and so embarrassed. Needless to say, I never sang in front of my dad again; that is until my Junior year in high school. It was in my junior year of high school that I was chosen to play the part of Widow Carney in the musical Oliver. My dad came to see the production. After the show my dad came up to me and said, “Wow…I didn’t know you could sing!”. Of course he didn’t…He didn’t understand the vision God had given me. Not only could I sing but I received Best Supporting Actress for that role.
Next, during my freshman year I didn’t make the Accapella choir. The choir director placed me in the 2nd choir. Once again, I was so frustrated. I knew I could sing…God said so! During Christmas break my sophomore year I moved to Angleton and under the leadership of Butch Broom, I began to flourish! He believed in me and supported my vision. I made Area Choir, received 1’s on my solos and ensembles. I was placed in a madrigal and was chosen to play the part of Widow Carney in Oliver. I’ll never forget the day I made area choir, the choir director that overlooked me came up to me and said, “Wow Kimbrough…I didn’t know you had it in you!”. Of course he didn’t…He didn’t understand the vision God had given me.
I Am To Be Richard Smith’s Wife: Let’s just say, at age 17 I didn’t receive a lot of support when I announced I was going to get married. The lack of support was not because of Richard but because of my age. Everyone felt I was too young for marriage and my classmates watched me like a hawk because they thought I was pregnant and had to get married…Nope, I was in love and had to marry that boy!!! He was my soulmate! 45 years later, we are still happily married and many of the nay sayers have said, “Wow, I didn’t think y’all would make it!” Of course they didn’t…They didn’t understand the vision God had given me.
I Am To Be A Nurse: While I didn’t have anyone doubt that I could be a nurse, I did have many who doubted the type of nurse I would become.
ICU Nurse: That was my dream job. I graduated from Nursing School knowing I wanted to be an ICU Nurse but was placed on the Medical Surgical unit instead because the nurse educator felt she knew me better than I knew myself. It wasn’t until my manager on the Med Surg unit, Carla Deggs, saw my potential and began to mentor me. She believed in me and before you know it, she helped me secure a spot in ICU. It was magical…The team was magical..I absolutely loved it. Later the nurse educator told me she didn’t think I could handle ICU. Of course she didn’t…she didn’t understand the vision God had given me.
PACU Nurse: The hospital went though some “restructuring” and required all nurses to reapply for their jobs. We had to list our 3 picks. Did I get my 1st pick? Nope, would you believe, I was assigned to be the Charge Nurse in PACU. Hmmm…I sure didn’t see that one coming! God Did Though!!!
1st: ICU
2nd: PACU
3rd: Med Surg
Informatics Nurse: I was asked to join a team that would be building the electronic documentation system for the Emergency Room. We went off for training and during the training I was appointed to take the lead on the project. Richard asked me, “Baby do they know you have no training or knowledge of computers? Heck, you don’t even know how to turn one off!”. I told him, “no but I want to do this”. Several months later Richard said, “I wish I could access the information on my computer from my laptop” I asked, “Why don’t you remote in? He replied, “I don’t know how”…Who knew, I would be teaching my husband about the computer? God Did!
Director of Revenue Management: I was approached by the CEO at the hospital and he asked me to consider taking a job as the Director of Revenue Management where I would be tasked to go after the 5-6% of revenue left on the table. I went home and told Richard about it. He responded, “Baby do they know you’ve not managed finances or ever balanced a checkbook?” I told him, “no, but I want to do this”. With the help of my team we gleaned 5 million dollars over 5 years for that little 65 bed hospital. God Knew!!!
Director of Nursing: After 5 years in the Revenue Management Department, I went to the CEO and told him I wanted to go back into patient care. He replied, “I can’t let you do that. You bring too much money to the hospital.” I told him it wasn’t a desire…It was a calling. That day, I went home and there was a flyer in our mailbox seeking a Director of Nurses for a Skilled and Long Term Care Facility. I applied and was offered the position. Several of my co-workers at the hospital questioned my decision. I told them, it was what I wanted and believed I was being called to do. 15 years later, I stepped down from a DON position to care for my mom full time. Later my old co-worker told me she didn’t think I would make it as a DON. Of course she didn’t…she didn’t understand the vision God had given me.
I Am To Paint: My daughter introduced me to the world of chalk paint and I was hooked. I knew in my spirit…This is what I am suppose to do! While talking with one of my administrators he asked me, “what have you been doing?” I told him I was painting furniture. I was turning old furniture into works of art. He laughed at me and said, “I’m sure it doesn’t pay as much as being a DON.” When I told him no but it was what I loved he laughed even harder. Did he respect what I was doing? Of course he didn’t…He didn’t understand the vision God had given me.
I Am To Be My Mother’s Care Giver: In April 2022 my little 81yr old mother fell and broke her hip. She had surgery followed by postoperative complications. I made the decision to step down from my position as Director of Nurses to care for my mom. Several people told me, “You don’t want to do that…It is a huge commitment.” Of course they would say that…They didn’t understand the vision God had given me.
And, you are thinking…All that from a Facebook post???
Yes, all that to ask, has God Given You A Vision?
Don’t let the doubters and nay sayers keep you from fulfilling that God given Vision!
That’s right…I found my word for the year after being challenged by my dear friend Andrea Stunz who is a contributing author on Kirk Cameron’s website thecourage.com. I absolutely Love… Love…Love what she wrote in “The one word I need for the new year”. After reading her story, I could not think of anything else…What was my word? I thought of a thousand words but none were perfect for me. Then all of the sudden it came while I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes. Of course, my word for 2018 is the most perfect word EVER!!!
HOPE
What is hope? What does hope really mean? I thought I knew but wanted to be sure. OMGosh, my heart skipped a beat as I read about hope and I absolutely loved the definitions.
Noun: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
Synonyms: Aspiration, Desire, Wish, Expectation, Ambition, Aim, Goal, Plan
Verb: to want something to happen or be the case.
Synonyms: Expect, Anticipate, Look for, Be hopeful of
Now when I was young I was taught the polar opposite definitions of hope. I was told:
“Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed it doesn’t happen”
“Don’t get your hopes up”
“That will never happen”
“We’ll see”
“No”
As an adult those phrases were pushed to the back of my mind until August of 2016 when my life completely unraveled. I had allowed myself to dream but only to have every thing come crashing down around me. The words I heard growing up became a self-fulfilling prophecy and my life was engulfed with loss and disappointment.
For some, hoping is easy but for me it is a huge risk. Taking the risk to hope again could result in more loss and disappointment. However, I’ve decided…Nothing ventured…Nothing Gained.
There is so much anticipation in the word HOPE. It’s kinda like getting to go on vacation. All you can think about is where your going and what you plan to do when you get there. You expect to have a good time…YOU HAVE HOPE!!!
My favorite scripture contains HOPE!!!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”Jeremiah 29:11
Tonight as I lay here on the couch with chills and fever I felt impressed to share my story. A story known by only a few people but, today I realized is the day to finally share with everyone.
On July 4 of 1997 a storm blew through Brazoria Texas with high winds blowing down several large limbs in our yard. Of course, anyone who knows me, knows that I could not leave those limbs laying in the yard. So I got out and began picking up the limbs until the yard was completely cleared. Later that evening as I was getting ready for bed I noticed a large red raised area on my abdomen. So I thought I had been bitten by a mosquito. However the swollen area was much larger than a mosquito bite.
Fast forward to August Richard was asked to sing in a wedding in Rockport Texas. So we got a room and decided to make it a weekend get away for us. When he finished at the rehearsal We decided to go see a movie but it was too early yet. So, we went back to the room to lay down for a quick nap. It was 12 hours later that I finally woke up. Poor guy, he just thought it was exhausted and decided to allow me to sleep. The hotel that we stayed at had a really nice restaurant next to it and was within walking distance. So I got up, got dressed, and off we went to breakfast. By the time we were seated I was so exhausted I can hardly sit up straight. In fact, Richard went and got the car to pick me up at the front door of the restaurant because I was too exhausted to walk.
When we returned home I made an appointment with my primary care physician. I described for him all of the symptoms that I was experiencing aches, pains, fever, chills, and extreme exhaustion. After a brief visit I was in shock! My diagnosis was Depression…Really??? I had absolutely nothing to be depressed about! You see Richard had surrendered to full-time ministry, I would be doing agency nursing, and we were going to downsize our lifestyle and move on the seminary campus. we were elated…We were moving to the land of milk and honey!!! So how could I possibly be depressed?
A couple of weeks later I decided to go to my Gynecologist for second opinion thinking that possibly my hormones were out of whack. Unbelievable… she gave me the same diagnosis!!! DEPRESSION….
Did these physicians not realize I was not DEPRESSED! I was SICK!!!
Approximately a week later a physician was making rounds in ICU at Brazosport Memorial Hospital. He happened to catch me with a thermometer sticking out of my mouth. He asked “are you running fever”? I answered, “Yes but nobody believes me”. He said, “what is your temperature?”. I replied, “98.6”. He said, “what is your normal temperature?” I replied 97. He then responded with, “depressed people don’t run a fever come see me in my office”. He reached over and picked up the phone, dialed his office, and told his staff to work me onto the books so he could see me as soon as possible.
Within a couple of days I was seen by the doctor. He spent a lot of time with me asking questions and ordering test. As I was walking out the door, he said just for grins let’s run this one. It was a Lyme’s titer and he was checking for Lyme’s Disease…
Every day of my life, I thank God for a physician who would listen to me!!! I now knew what had caused all my symptoms…It was Lyme’s Disease and you see if the disease had gone undetected I could’ve easily died or worse been a vegetable… In fact, I already thought I was!!!
Immediately he referred me to an infectious disease doctor in Conroe, Texas. They inserted a peripherally inserted central line (PICC) into my arm for long-term antibiotic therapy. The antibiotics were to be to be administered every eight hours for eight weeks. So without fail I did not miss a dose! I wanted to get better!!!
My coworkers in ICU were absolute angels. In fact, they literally carried me through my shifts. They were right there next to me helping me by double checking my medication calculations and ensuring I was giving safe care to the patients because by now I was experiencing some cognitive deficits and brain fog.
It was at week six of my treatment everything began to go south quickly. I started developing grape size nodules all over my skull and body along with flu like symptoms and fever. I contacted my doctor and he told me just to keep taking the medication it probably was just the flu. If it wasn’t better by Monday make an appointment and come into his office and he would see me. By Monday I was even worse. In route to his office it was time for me to receive my antibiotic so I administered my infusion while driving to his office in Conroe. When I walk through the door he said “Oh my Gosh, you are allergic to the antibiotics. You must stop them right away.” So I did and immediately began to feel better he told me, “consider yourself healed”.
So I did just that. I went back to work full blast, I was in the process of organizing Ladies Night at First Baptist Church Brazoria, and packing my house getting ready to move to Fort Worth. I still had an occasional ache and pain, bouts of exhaustion, and even bouts of Brain fog but the doctor told me I could expect some of this so I didn’t wig out… That is until I couldn’t make a complete sentence and I was unable to retrieve words easily. Verbal communication became more and more difficult for me so, I decided to go and see the physician who diagnosed me with the limes disease.
I explained I had some bouts of muscle aches and pains, exhaustion and difficulty finding words in my vocabulary. Although I knew the words were there I couldn’t make them come out of my mouth!!! His Diagnoses were:
Then he proceeds to tell me “there is no cure”. I was shocked to discover I would have to live with this for the rest of my life!!!
To this day, I still struggle with fatigue, aches and pains, and the inability to get the word(s) that I want to say out of my mouth. So:
When I am tired…I rest
When I hurt…I meditate
When I can’t get the words out…I type which is cognitive paired with tactile.
While many people never knew this about me…primarily because I refuse to be labeled…I thought it might help my family and friends understand:
Why talking on the phone is difficult at times because I can’t get the right words out and just say what does come which may not even be relevant. So, I just don’t answer the phone.
Why I spend so much time on social media such as Facebook…it is so much easier to communicate in written word.
Why I don’t often accept lunch invitations…they often require more energy than I have to offer
Why I try to separate myself from negative people…they just suck the life out of me.
Why capturing memories in pictures is so important to me… A picture is worth 1000 words!!!
Because of my past experiences with antibiotics I am hesitant to take them. This weekend, I have fever, chills, congestion and a kidney infection and realize, my homeopathic approach is not working so I will be making an appointment with my physician tomorrow…I guess this weekend has reminded me of how I felt when I had Lyme’s.
I do not wear these challenges like a badge to draw attention to myself. In-fact, I would not be sharing now except…I have several friends battling illness and I want them to know they are not alone. When I see their posts written in despair, I pray for them but do not engage in conversation with them about their illness as ultimately it causes my focus to turn from health and the healing wings of my Heavenly Father to disease, illness and destruction. I also felt it was time to provide insight for friends and family so they could better understand why I am like I am.
I am favored & highly blessed & it is a privilege to call each of you my family, my friends, and my sisters and brothers in Christ. God has been so incredibly good to me!!!
As a little girl, I never enjoyed playing tag…Everyone was always just a little faster than I was. I would run with all my might and finally would have to stop because I could no longer breathe. On occasion I would do a quick one…two… reach out quickly and tag the opponent. When this happened, I remember feeling happy for me and really happy for them!!!
Recently at work we began recognizing each other for “Random Acts Of Kindness” (RAOK). Each time someone is caught performing a RAOK an email goes out to everyone in the hospital. The email announces who was caught performing the RAOK and then they are encouraged to pay it forward. At first, there were a couple emails that would come across every now and then from administration or a director but before you knew it the emails were coming more frequently and from employees who worked in all areas of the hospital. And…even the night shift was on board!!!
Like wildfire it began to spread and while I am sitting at my desk totally engrossed in a report email notifications come across my desk and they read like this…
“_____ was caught performing a Random Act Of Kindness! Thanks for Making a Difference!!! Now Pay it Forward…
So throughout the day it is not unusual for several of these emails hit my inbox and each time I can’t help but smile. How cool is this… a virtual game of tag!!!
This morning as I was thinking of one of the notifications, I couldn’t help but wonder…
What would happen if everyone began to take the time to recognize people for what they do?
Increased productivity
Increased self-esteem
Increased sense of accomplishment
Improved dispositions
The list could go on and on…
Wow, then with the above changes can you imagine the possibilities for personal, professional, and Spiritual growth and what could be birthed from that growth??? With little effort, this could go global and impact the world!!! A little encouragement and recognition goes a long way!!!
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1Thessalonians :11
During a conversations with a friend yesterday at work, he said something profound which shook me to my core. “If God showed us The Stuff In the Middle would we take our first step toward the vision He has given us?”
Where [there is] no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law , happy [is] he. Proverbs 29:18
God places a vision, goal, idea, a desire in our hearts. We can see the end results. We may not know how we will achieve the concept but a true believer trusts God and steps out in faith…
But, would we take that first step if we could see all we were going to have to go through to achieve that which God has birthed within us? Probably not!!!
So to ensure we complete that which He has compelled us to do, He gives us a glimmer of the end results and hides from us…
A Love Lee Place 